Why I’m single hideous too picky dick is too big might kill someone T-shirts

I remember the first time I actually considered getting a T-shirt made. It was after a particularly disastrous date – the kind where you leave feeling like you’ve aged ten years and lost all faith in humanity. Afterwards, I was just laughing about it with my best friend, Sarah, as we sat in a diner, the greasy smell of bacon somehow managing to both comfort and mock me. That’s when I joked about printing, Why I’m single… hideous, too picky, dick is too big might kill someone, you know, a very self-deprecating masterpiece. We were hysterically laughing, mostly at the absurdity of it all. It felt like a rebellious act, a way to own the mess of my love life, a way to actually feel less alone in the shared misery of dating.
The truth is, even though it started as a joke, there was a kernel of something real in that ridiculously long list. It wasn’t about the actual physical attributes, of course. Well, maybe the “too picky” one had a bit of truth, if I’m being honest with myself. Finding someone who truly understands me, someone who finds my quirks endearing instead of annoying, that’s a tough task, especially when you’re older, and you know what you are looking for. The “hideous” part? That’s just the self-loathing bubbling to the surface, the result of years of insecurities, that feeling I get, looking in the mirror, sometimes.

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Thinking back, I can’t quite remember how I felt at the moment. However, I know, I wouldn’t actually print that on a shirt. Still, it made me consider how we present ourselves to the world and what we choose to reveal, and what’s better to keep locked inside. I’m much more likely to hide behind a sarcastic veneer, a lighthearted facade that keeps people at a comfortable distance. This seems like a common trend among most of my friends, also single.

Then there was the “dick is too big might kill someone” bit. Where did that even come from? Maybe a misguided attempt at humor based on some perceived masculine stereotype. I still have no idea where the idea came from. I guess the fear of inadequacy on the other side of things, if that even makes sense. It’s funny, how these little jokes can sometimes be glimpses into the things we truly fear or worry about, like a subconscious confession. I guess I’ve always been more comfortable with the idea of being alone than with the idea of hurting someone, even unintentionally.

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The whole concept, it really was less about the specific reasons and more about the feeling of being an outsider looking in. The loneliness that creeps in after yet another first date that goes nowhere, the silent comparison to couples holding hands, the internal voice that berates you, reminding you of all your flaws and shortcomings. It can be a very lonely place to be. Still I know I am not alone, I know it and it keeps me going and gives me the strength to look into the future with optimism.
Ultimately, I never actually got the shirt made. The idea of wearing it felt too…exposed. But the thought experiment, the whole process of even imagining such a thing, helped me process some of the frustrations and anxieties that came with being single. It was a way of laughing at the situation, of taking the power back, even if just for a little while. Even though I have plenty of friends, and plenty of dates, and plenty of laughs, at the end of the day, it’s just me. And I’m okay with that, mostly.